Friday, March 6, 2009

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. ~Albert Camus

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it comes due. " ~William Ralph Inge

I have always been quite sure that I have some sort of social anxiety disorder. I hate going to parties unless I know everyone there, I can only muster up the courage to go to a bar if I've had something to drink and even small social gatherings can be intimidating. Often times I would much rather stay in with a book, my computer and folding laundry.

"If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. ~Don Herold"

I know that much of the fear that I experience is imagined. People are usually much too preoccupied with themselves to give a damn about what I'm wearing, what I say or how I behave. However, I can't help feeling as if every eye is on me (and not in the good way). I know that the main reason I panic when in social situations is my low self esteem. Despite all that I have accomplished in my life, if I am at a party I immediately revert to feeling like the fat goody two shoes that I was in high school.

"Wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weights you down." ~Toni Morrison

I think that is why I continue to strive to be an interesting person, trying new things and not settling into a pattern or routine, I desperatley want to be an interesting person! Someone that others gravitate towards, someone that people talk about (in a good way) once the party is over, someone that people want to introduce to their other friends. I work hard to be that kind of person but despite how many life experiences that I have under my belt...if I don't have the confidence to talk about them...what's the use?

"The fear of being laughed at makes cowards of us all." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

In my research about social anxiety disorder, I found that most sufferers were painfully shy...which I am clearly not. I think that it is odd that I have absolutely no problem making a fool out of myself in front of people I will never see again and I have no problem making a fool of myself in front of friends and close family but....when it's an acquaintance, a new friend or a prospective romantic partner...trouble. Usually what ends up happening (if I haven't avoided the potential situation) is that I turn into a bitch. I act like I'm too cool or I am mean to the person that is causing me to feel inadequate. Often times this person is just an innocent bystander who hasn't even given me a second thought since I appeared at the party or bar. Or, alternatively it is some poor person who has made the mistake of being nice to me which I automatically interpret as an attack (especially if it's a the bar...and there are drinks involved). How messed up am I that this is my first response? I'm like a soon as there is any movement BAM the quills shoot up.

Usually by the end of my enteries I have come to some sort of conclusion or realization but in this case I continue to be confused and frustrated with my behavior. Should I force myself to go outside of my comfort zone? Probably. Or should I just keep telling myself that if someone really wants to get to know me they will do it on my terms in a way that I do not find threatening? That doesn't seem realistic, does it?

*sigh* If anyone has any tips for me...


  1. “Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”

    i'm sure that is much easier said than done...

  2. personally, i think you need to just stop overthinking things and enjoy the situation you're in. :p

    it's much easier to enjoy yourself when you're not constantly worried about what everyone else is thinking about you. normally, i feel the exact opposite of you, that no one's really paying much attention to me, watching me, judging me, whatever. and i'm fine with that. it's a much easier way to go through social events. :p