I understand that goodbyes are inevitable. If we never lost anyone we wouldn't be able to appreciate the people that we have in our life. However, possessing that understanding and being able to reason with your emotions are two very contradictory things.
In my life right I feel like I am constantly saying goodbye. I suppose it is the nature of the beast. I am sad to say that I am experienced in saying 'goodbye', 'take care', 'keep in touch'...sometimes meaning it and sometimes not so much. Those are words I've said to a hundred acquaintances and many friends with the best intentions. I have written goodbye cards, notes, letters, e-mails and given hugs, kisses, hand shakes and pats on the back and somehow become numb to it all.
I am not numb to the feeling of sadness or loss but I do not react as I used to. It gets exhausting to cry every time someone leaves (or you leave someone), to pour your heart out to them and to promise to see them again (while deep inside knowing that it probably will not happen). Eventually you start to shut off (though not on purpose).
Yesterday (or early this morning) a friend of mine left. A good friend. But I have not yet been able to cry a tear for his departure. I know that my face betrays my sadness and my heart aches for his return home but my mind has not been able to communicate these feelings to my tear ducts. The guilt I feel for not being able to muster a tear as we said our goodbyes combines with my sorrow that he is gone to create a bitter mixture which breaks my heart all over again.
And so I begin to what started this whole blog....a search for inspiration...and no matter how many inspirational quotes I search for I can't seem to find one that makes me feel as if this pain (which I will be going through again a week from today, when I say goodbye to another good friend) is the work of a higher power. However....I continue to search for that wisdom.
"Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life. Some people get struck by lightning. Some are born to sit by a river. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim the English Channel. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people can dance."
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.”