Sunday, July 19, 2009

"Oh this is a 'Dear Diary' moment."

Today when I was cleaning my room I came across the journals I've kept since 2000. Part of me finds these journals absolutley hilarious. Being concerned about boys whose names I can't remember now, stressing about money and mulling over future plans. I was very surprised that so many of of the statements in the journals were so decisive, so clear, so definate and so...wrong. I seemed so sure of myself. So sure that I was going to do theatre for the rest of my life. So sure that is where I belonged. So sure that each fight with a friend was the end of the world. So sure that 'this time' I was 'in love', that 'this time' it was different. So sure that one particular person was the enemy, the root of all evil, the cause of all my problems.

Over the past year I have evolved from writing in my journal to sharing my thoughts on this blog. I still write in my journal every now and then because there are things that no one who reads this blog really want to know about. Of course there are also things that I don't want them to know about and things that I don't want to be seen by internet surfing randoms. Part of me misses the total freedom of writing in a journal, knowing that no one will read it and that 'comments' aren't encouraged.

Despite being absolutley mortified by some of the thoughts and comments that I have put on paper, I think that my old journals are very valuable. Not only do they allow me to re-evaluate my decisions, opinions and mistakes but they also inspire me to continue to learn about myself. Self improvement is something that I am very passionate about and in these journals I have gathered so many thoughts and theories (my own and others) that will continue to aid me in my journey of self discovery. The journals are filled with quotes from books I have written, movies and plays I have seen, songs I have listened to and people I've met. Every now and then there is a random artistic expression of my joy, frustration, confusion etc.

I know that, despite how painful it is to revisit this past, sometimes it is worth so that you may improve your future.

"You can still live on that shimmering line between your old thinking and your new understanding, always in a state of learning."

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